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inward； hugging my ribs to
hold myself together。 I scrambled for my numbness； my denial； but it evaded
me。
And yet； I found I could survive。 I was alert； I felt the pain—the aching
loss that radiated out from my
chest； sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head—but it was
manageable。 I could live
through it。 It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time； rather that
I'd grown strong enough to bear
it。
Whatever it was that had happened tonight—and whether it was the zombies； the
adrenaline； or the
hallucinations that were responsible—it had woken me up。
For the first time in a long time； I didn't know what to expect in the
morning。
5。 CHEATER
〃BELLA； WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF；〃 MIKE SUGGESTED； his eyes focused off to the
side； not
really looking at me。 I wondered how long that had been going on without me
noticing。
It was a slow afternoon at Newton's。 At the moment there were only two patrons
in the store； dedicated
backpackers from the sound of their conversation。 Mike had spent the last hour
going through the pros
and cons of two brands of lightweight packs with them。 But they'd taken a
break from serious pricing to
indulge in trying to one…up each other with their latest tales from the trail。
Their distraction had given Mike
a chance to escape。
〃I don't mind staying；〃 I said。 I still hadn't been able to sink back into my
protective shell of numbness；
and everything seemed oddly close and loud today； like I'd taken cotton out of
my ears。 I tried to tune
out the laughing hikers without success。
〃I'm telling you；〃 said the thickset man with the orange beard that didn't
match his dark brown hair。 〃I've
seen grizzlies pretty close up in Yellowstone； but they had nothing on this
brute。〃 His hair was matted；
and his clothes looked like they'd been on his back for more than a few days。
Fresh from the mountains。
〃Not a chance。 Black bears don't get that big。 The grizzlies you saw were
probably cubs。〃 The second
man was tall and lean； his face tanned and wind…whipped into an impressive
leathery crust。
〃Seriously； Bella； as soon as these two give up； I'm closing the place down；〃
Mike murmured。
〃If you want me to go〃 I shrugged。
〃On all fours it was taller than you；〃 the bearded man insisted while I
gathered my things together。 〃Big as
a house and pitch…black。 I'm going to report it to the ranger here。 People
ought to be warned—this
wasn't up on the mountain； mind you—this was only a few miles from the
trailhead。〃
Leather…face laughed and rolled his eyes。 〃Let me guess—you were on your way
in？ Hadn't eaten real
food or slept off the ground in a week； right？〃
〃Hey； uh； Mike； right？〃 the bearded man called； looking toward us。
〃See you Monday；〃 I mumbled。
〃Yes； sir；〃 Mike replied； turning away。
〃Say； have there been any warnings around here recently—about black bears？〃
〃No； sir。 But it's always good to keep your distance and store your food
correctly。 Have you seen the
new bear…safe canisters？ They only weigh two pounds〃
The doors slid open to let me out into the rain。 I hunched over inside my
jacket as I dashed for my truck。
The rain hammering against my hood sounded unusually loud； too； but soon the
roar of the engine
drowned out everything else。
I didn't want to go back to Charlie's empty house。 Last night had been
particularly brutal； and I had no
desire to revisit the scene of the suffering。 Even after the pain had subsided
enough for me to sleep； it
wasn't over。 Like I'd told Jessica after the movie； there was never any doubt
that I would have
nightmares。
I always had nightmares now； every night。 Not nightmares really； not in the
plural； because it was always
the same nightmare。 You'd think I'd get bored after so many months； grow
immune to it。 But the dream
never failed to horrify me； and only ended when I woke myself with screaming。
Charlie didn't e in to
see what was wrong anymore； to make sure there was no intruder strangling me
or something like
that—he was used to it now。
My nightmare probably wouldn't even frighten someone else。 Nothing jumped out
and screamed； 〃Boo！〃
There were no zombies； no ghosts； no psychopaths。 There was nothing； really。
Only nothing。 Just the
endless maze of moss…covered trees； so quiet that the silence was an
unfortable pressure against my
eardrums。 It was dark； like dusk on a cloudy day； with only enough light to
see that there was nothing to
see。 I hurried through the gloom without a path； always searching； searching；
searching； getting more
frantic as the time stretched on； trying to move faster； though the speed made
me clumsy Then there
would e the point in my dream—and I could feel it ing now； but could
never seem to wake
myself up before it hit—when I couldn't remember what it was that I was
searching for。 When I realized
that there was nothing to search for； and nothing to find。 That there never
had been anything more than
just this empty； dreary wood； and there never would be anything more for me
nothing but nothing
That was usually about when the screaming started。
I wasn't paying attention to where I was driving—just wandering through
empty； wet side roads as I
avoided the ways that would take me home—because I didn't have anywhere to
go。
I wished I could feel numb again； but I couldn't remember how I'd managed it
before。 The nightmare was
nagging at my mind and making me think about things that would cause me pain。
I didn't want to
remember the forest。 Even as I shuddered away from the images； I felt my eyes
fill with tears and the
aching begin around the edges of the hole in my chest。 I took one hand from
the steering wheel and
wrapped it around my torso to hold it in one piece。
It will be as if I'd never existed。 The words ran through my head； lacking the
perfect clarity of my
hallucination last night。 They were just words； soundless； like print on a
page。 Just words； but they ripped
the hole wide open； and I stomped on the brake； knowing I should not drive
while this incapacitated。
I curled over； pressing my face a