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〃No。 I'm not lost。〃
Now that I was closer—and my eyes felt oddly in focus—I analyzed the short；
dark man's face。 It was
not familiar in any way。 I suffered a curious sensation of disappointment that
this was not the terrible man
who had tried to hurt me almost a year ago。
The voice in my head was quiet now。
The short man noticed my stare。 〃Can I buy you a drink？〃 he offered； nervous；
seeming flattered that I'd
singled him out to stare at。
〃I'm too young；〃 I answered automatically。
He was baffled—wondering why I had approached them。 I felt pelled to
explain。
〃From across the street； you looked like someone I knew。 Sorry； my mistake。〃
The threat that had pulled me across the street had evaporated。 These were not
the dangerous men I
remembered。 They were probably nice guys。 Safe。 I lost interest。
〃That's okay；〃 the confident blonde said。 〃Stay and hang out with us。〃
〃Thanks； but I can't。〃 Jessica was hesitating in the middle of the street； her
eyes wide with outrage and
betrayal。
〃Oh； just a few minutes。〃
I shook my head； and turned to rejoin Jessica。
〃Let's go eat；〃 I suggested； barely glancing at her。 Though I appeared to be；
for the moment； freed of the
zombie abstraction； I was just as distant。 My mind was preoccupied。 The safe；
numb deadness did not
e back； and I got more anxious with every minute that passed without its
return。
〃What were you thinking？〃 Jessica snapped。 〃You don't know them—they could
have been
psychopaths！〃
I shrugged； wishing she would let it go。 〃I just thought I knew the one guy。〃
〃You are so odd； Bella Swan。 I feel like I don't know who you are。〃
〃Sorry。〃 I didn't know what else to say to that。
We walked to McDonald's in silence。 I'd bet that she was wishing we'd taken
her car instead of walking
the short distance from the theater； so that she could use the drive…through。
She was just as anxious now
for this evening to be over as I had been from the beginning。
I tried to start a conversation a few times while we ate； but Jessica was not
cooperative。 I must have
really offended her。
When we go back in the car； she tuned the stereo back to her favorite station
and turned the volume too
loud to allow easy conversation。
I didn't have to struggle as hard as usual to ignore the music。 Even though my
mind； for once； was not
carefully numb and empty； I had too much to think about to hear the lyrics。
I waited for the numbness to return； or the pain。 Because the pain must be
ing。 I'd broken my
personal rules。 Instead of shying away from the memories； I'd walked forward
and greeted them。 I'd
heard his voice； so clearly； in my head。 That was going to cost me； I was sure
of it。 Especially if I couldn't
reclaim the haze to protect myself。 I felt too alert； and that frightened me。
But relief was still the strongest emotion in my body—relief that came from
the very core of my being。
As much as I struggled not to think of him； I did not struggle to forget。 I
worried—late in the night； when
the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses—that it was all
slipping away。 That my
mind was a sieve； and I would someday not be able to remember the precise
color of his eyes； the feel of
his cool skin； or the texture of his voice。 I could not think of them； but I
must remember them。
Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live—I
had to know that he existed。
That was all。 Everything else I could endure。 So long as he existed。
That's why I was more trapped in Forks than I ever had been before； why I'd
fought with Charlie when
he suggested a change。 Honestly； it shouldn't matter； no one was ever ing
back here。
But if I were to go to Jacksonville； or anywhere else bright and unfamiliar；
how could I be sure he was
real？ In a place where I could never imagine him； the conviction might fade
and that I could not live
through。
Forbidden to remember； terrified to forget； it was a hard line to walk。
I was surprised when Jessica stopped the car in front of my house。 The ride
had not taken long； but；
short as it seemed； I wouldn't have thought that Jessica could go that long
without speaking。
〃Thanks for going out with me； Jess；〃 I said as I opened my door。 〃That was
fun。〃 I hoped that fun was
the appropriate word。
〃Sure；〃 she muttered。
〃I'm sorry about after the movie。〃
〃Whatever； Bella。〃 She glared out the windshield instead of looking at me。 She
seemed to be growing
angrier rather than getting over it。
〃See you Monday？〃
〃Yeah。 Bye。〃
I gave up and shut the door。 She drove away； still without looking at me。
I'd forgotten her by the time I was inside。
Charlie was waiting for me in the middle of the hall； his arms folded tight
over his chest with his hands
balled into fists。
〃Hey； Dad；〃 I said absentmindedly as I ducked around Charlie； heading for the
stairs。 I'd been thinking
about him for too long； and I wanted to be upstairs before it caught up with
me。
〃Where have you been？〃 Charlie demanded。
I looked at my dad； surprised。 〃I went to a movie in Port Angeles with
Jessica。 Like I told you this
morning。〃
〃Humph；〃 he grunted。
〃Is that okay？〃
He studied my face； his eyes widening as if he saw something unexpected。
〃Yeah； that's fine。 Did you
havefun？〃
〃Sure；〃 I said。 〃We watched zombies eat people。 It was great。〃
His eyes narrowed。
〃'Night； Dad。〃
He let me pass。 I hurried to my room。
I lay in my bed a few minutes later； resigned as the pain finally made its
appearance。
It was a crippling thing； this sensation that a huge hole had been punched
through my chest； excising my
most vital organs and leaving ragged； unhealed gashes around the edges that
continued to throb and
bleed despite the passage of time。 Rationally； I knew my lungs must still be
intact； yet I gasped for air and
my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing。 My heart must have been
beating； too； but I couldn't
hear the sound of my pulse in my ears； my hands felt blue with cold。 I curled
inward； hugging my ribs to
hold myself together。 I scrambled for my numbness； my denial； but it