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Instead of a uniformed driver with a sign waiting for me when
I exited customs； I found my parents； looking immensely
pleased to see me。 We hugged； and after they got over the
initial shock of what I was wearing （skintight； very faded D&G
jeans with spike…heeled pumps and a pletely sheer
shirt—hey； it was listed in category； miscellaneous；
subcategory； to and from airport； and it was by far the most
plane…appropriate thing they’d packed for me）； they gave me
very good news： Lily was awake and alert。 We went straight to
the hospital； where Lily herself even managed to give me
attitude about my outfit as soon as I walked in。
Of course； there was the legal problem for her to contend
with； she had； after all； been speeding the wrong way down a
one…way street in a drunken stupor。 But since no one else was
seriously hurt； the judge had shown tremendous leniency and；
although she’d always have a DWI on her record； she’d been
sentenced to only mandatory alcohol counseling and what seemed
like three decades’ worth of munity service。 We hadn’t
talked a lot about it—she still wasn’t cool with admitting out
loud that she had a problem—but I’d driven her to her first
group session in the East Village and she’d admitted that it
wasn’t “too touchy…feely” when she came out。 “Freakin’
annoying” was how she put it； but when I raised my eyebrows
and gave her a specialty withering look—à la Emily—she
conceded that there were some cute guys there； and it wouldn’t
kill her to date someone sober for once。 Fair enough。 My
parents had convinced her to e clean to the dean at
Columbia； which sounded like a nightmare at the time but ended
up being a good move。 He not only agreed to let Lily withdraw
without failing in the middle of the semester； but signed the
approval for the bursar’s office saying that she could just
reapply for her tuition next spring。
Lily’s life and our friendship seemed to be back on track。 Not
so with Alex。 He’d been sitting by her side at the hospital
when we arrived； and the minute I saw him I found myself
wishing my parents hadn’t diplomatically decided to wait in
the cafeteria。 There was an awkward hello and a lot of fussing
over Lily； but when he’d shrugged on his jacket a half hour
later and waved good…bye； we hadn’t said a real word to each
other。 I called him when I got Home； but he let it go to voice
mail。 I called a few times more and hung up； stalker…style；
and tried one last time before I went to bed。 He answered but
sounded wary。
“Hi！” I said； trying to sound adorable and well adjusted。
“Hey。” He clearly wasn’t into my adorableness。
“Listen； I know she’s your friend； too； and that you would’ve
done that for anyone； but I can’t thank you enough for
everything you did for Lily。 Tracking me down； helping my
parents； sitting with her for hours on end。 Really。”
“No problem。 It’s what anyone would do when someone they know
is hurt。 No big deal。” Implied in this； of course； was that
anyone would do it except someone who happens to be
phenomenally self…centered with whacked…out priorities； like
yours truly。
“Alex； please； can we just talk like—”
“No。 We really can’t talk about anything right now。 I’ve been
around for the last year waiting to talk to you—begging；
sometimes—and you haven’t been all that interested。 Somewhere
in that year； I lost the Andy I fell in love with。 I’m not
sure how； I’m not exactly sure when it happened； but you are
definitely not the same person you were before this job。 My
Andy would have never even entertained the idea of choosing a
fashion show or a party or whatever over being there for a
friend who really； really needed her。 Like；really needed her。
Now； I’m glad you decided to e Home—that you know it was
the right thing to do—but now I need some time to figure out
what’s going on with me； and with you； and with us。 This isn’t
new； Andy； not to me。 It’s been happening for a long； long
time—you’ve just been too busy to notice。”
“Alex； you haven’t given me a single second to sit down； face
to face； and try to explain to you what’s been going on。 Maybe
you’re right； maybe I am a pletely different person。 But I
don’t think so—and even if I’ve changed； I don’t think it’sall
been for the worse。 Have we really grown apart that much？”
Even more than Lily； he was my best friend； of that I was
certain； but he hadn’t been my boyfriend for many； many
months。 I realized that he was right： it was time I told him
so。
I took a deep breath and said what I knew was the right thing；
even though it didn’t feel so great then。 “You’re right。”
“I am？ You agree？”
“Yes。 I’ve been really selfish and unfair to you。”
“So what now？” he asked； sounding resigned but not
heartbroken。
“I don’t know。 What now？ Do we just stop talking？ Stop seeing
each other？ I have no idea how this is supposed to work。 But I
want you to be a part of my life； and I can’t imagine not
being a part of yours。”
“Me neither。 But I’m not sure we’re going to be able to do
that for a long； long time。 We weren’t friends before we
started dating； and it seems impossible to imagine just being
friends now。 But who knows？ Maybe once we’ve both had a lot of
time to figure things out 。 。 。”
I hung up the phone that first night back and cried； not just
for Alex but for everything that had changed and shifted
during the past year。 I’d strolled into Elias…Clark a
clueless； poorly dressed little girl； and I’d staggered out a
slightly weathered； poorly dressed semigrown…up （albeit one
who now realized just how poorly dressed she was）。 But in the
interim； I’d experienced