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I m going to the baker to buy _naan_; he said from the other side。 I was wondering if you。。。 if you wanted to e along。
I think I m just going to read; I said; rubbing my temples。 Lately; every time Hassan was around; I was getting a headache。
It s a sunny day; he said。
I can see that。
Might be fun to go for a walk。
You go。
I wish you d e along; he said。 Paused。 Something thumped against the door; maybe his forehead。 I don t know what I ve done; Amir agha。 I wish you d tell me。 I don t know why we don t play anymore。
You haven t done anything; Hassan。 Just go。
You can tell me; I ll stop doing it。
I buried my head in my lap; squeezed my temples with my knees; like a vice。 I ll tell you what I want you to stop doing; I said; eyes pressed shut。
Anything。
I want you to stop harassing me。 I want you to go away; I snapped。 I wished he would give it right back to me; break the door open and tell me off……it would have made things easier; better。 But he didn t do anything like that; and when I opened the door minutes later; he wasn t there。 I fell on my bed; buried my head under the pillow; and cried。
HASSAN MILLED ABOUT the periphery of my life after that。 I made sure our paths crossed as little as possible; planned my day that way。 Because when he was around; the oxygen seeped out of the room。 My chest tightened and I couldn t draw enough air; I d stand there; gasping in my own little airless bubble of atmosphere。 But even when he wasn t around; he was。 He was there in the hand…washed and ironed clothes on the cane…seat chair; in the warm slippers left outside my door; in the wood already burning in the stove when I came down for breakfast。 Everywhere I turned; I saw signs of his loyalty; his goddamn unwavering loyalty。
Early that spring; a few days before the new school year started; Baba and I were planting tulips in the garden。 Most of the snow had melted and the hills in
the north were already dotted with patches of green grass。 It was a cool; gray morning; and Baba was squatting next to me; digging the soil and planting the bulbs I handed to him。 He was telling me how most people thought it was better to plant tulips in the fall and how that wasn t true; when I came right out and said it。 Baba; have you ever thought about get ting new servants?
He dropped the tulip bulb and buried the trowel in the dirt。 Took off his gardening gloves。 I d startled him。 Chi? What did you say?
I was just wondering; that s all。
Why would I ever want to do that? Baba said curtly。
You wouldn t; I guess。 It was just a question; I said; my voice fading to a murmur。 I was already sorry I d said it。
Is this about you and Hassan? I know there s something going on between you two; but whatever it is; you have to deal with it; not me。 I m staying out of it。
I m sorry; Baba。
He put on his gloves again。 I grew up with Ali; he said through clenched teeth。 My father took him in; he loved Ali like his own son。 Forty years Ali s been with my family。 Forty goddamn years。 And you think I m just going to throw him out? He turned to me now;