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moment of seeing her； and I would not for the world have told him the
reason： I shrank from the idea of disclosing to any one what might be
regarded as a pitiable peculiarity； most of all from betraying it to my father；
who would have suspected my sanity ever after。
I do not mean to dwell with particularity on the details of my
experience。 I have described these two cases at length； because they had
definite； clearly traceable results in my after…lot。
Shortly after this last occurrenceI think the very next dayI began to
be aware of a phase in my abnormal sensibility； to which； from the languid
and slight nature of my intercourse with others since my illness； I had not
been alive before。 This was the obtrusion on my mind of the mental
process going forward in first one person； and then another； with whom I
happened to be in contact： the vagrant； frivolous ideas and emotions of
some uninteresting acquaintanceMrs。 Filmore； for examplewould force
themselves on my consciousness like an importunate； ill…played musical
instrument； or the loud activity of an imprisoned insect。 But this
unpleasant sensibility was fitful； and left me moments of rest； when the
souls of my panions were once more shut out from me； and I felt a
relief such as silence brings to wearied nerves。 I might have believed this
importunate insight to be merely a diseased activity of the imagination； but
that my prevision of incalculable words and actions proved it to have a
fixed relation to the mental process in other minds。 But this superadded
consciousness； wearying and annoying enough when it urged on me the
trivial experience of indifferent people； became an intense pain and grief
when it seemed to be opening to me the souls of those who were in a close
relation to mewhen the rational talk； the graceful attentions； the wittily…
turned phrases； and the kindly deeds； which used to make the web of their
characters； were seen as if thrust asunder by a microscopic vision； that
showed all the intermediate frivolities； all the suppressed egoism； all the
struggling chaos of puerilities； meanness； vague capricious memories； and
indolent make…shift thoughts； from which human words and deeds emerge
like leaflets covering a fermenting heap。
At Basle we were joined by my brother Alfred； now a handsome； self…
confident man of six…and…twentya thorough contrast to my fragile；
nervous； ineffectual self。 I believe I was held to have a sort of half…
womanish； half…ghostly beauty； for the portrait…painters； who are thick as
weeds at Geneva； had often asked me to sit to them； and I had been the
model of a dying minstrel in a fancy picture。 But I thoroughly disliked my
own physique and nothing but the belief that it was a condition of poetic
genius would have reconciled me to it。 That brief hope was quite fled；
and I saw in my face now nothing but the stamp of a morbid organization；
framed for passive sufferingtoo feeble for the sublime resistance of
poetic production。 Alfred； from whom I had been almost constantly
separated； and who； in his present stage of character and appearance； came
before me as a perfect stranger； was bent on being extremely friendly and
brother…like to me。 He had the superficial kindness of a good…humoured；
self…satisfied nature； that fears no rivalry； and has encountered no
contrarieties。 I am not sure that my disposition was good enough for me
to have been quite free from envy towards him； even if our desires had not
clashed； and if I had been in the healthy human condition which admits of
generous confidence and charitable construction。 There must always
have been an antipathy between our natures。 As it was； he became in a
few weeks an object of intense hatred to me； and when he entered the
room； still more when he spoke； it was as if a sensation of grating metal
had set my teeth on edge。 My diseased consciousness was more
intensely and continually occupied with his thoughts and emotions； than
with those of any other person who came in my way。 I was perpetually
exasperated with the petty promptings of his conceit and his love of
patronage； with his self…placent belief in Bertha Grant's passion for
him； with his half…pitying contempt for meseen not in the ordinary
indications of intonation and phrase and slight action； which an acute and
suspicious mind is on the watch for； but in all their naked skinless
plication。
For we were rivals； and our desires clashed； though he was not aware
of it。 I have said nothing yet of the effect Bertha Grant produced in me
on a nearer acquaintance。 That effect was chiefly determined by the fact
that she made the only exception； among all the human beings about me；
to my unhappy gift of insight。 About Bertha I was always in a state of
uncertainty： I could watch the expression of her face； and speculate on
its meaning； I could ask for her opinion with the real interest of ignorance；
I could listen for her words and watch for her smile with hope and fear：
she had for me the fascination of an unravelled destiny。 I say it was this
fact that chiefly determined the strong effect she produced on me： for； in
the abstract； no womanly character could seem to have less affinity for that
of a shrinking； romantic； passionate youth than Bertha's。 She was keen；
sarcastic； unimaginative； prematurely cynical； remaining critical and
unmoved in the most impressive scenes；