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trembled under a present glance； I hungered after a present joy； I was
clogged and chilled by a present fear。 And so the days passed on： I
witnessed Bertha's engagement and heard her marriage discussed as if I
were under a conscious nightmareknowing it was a dream that would
vanish； but feeling stifled under the grasp of hard…clutching fingers。
When I was not in Bertha's presenceand I was with her very often；
for she continued to treat me with a playful patronage that wakened no
jealousy in my brotherI spent my time chiefly in wandering； in strolling；
or taking long rides while the daylight lasted； and then shutting myself up
with my unread books； for books had lost the power of chaining my
attention。 My self…consciousness was heightened to that pitch of
intensity in which our own emotions take the form of a drama which urges
itself imperatively on our contemplation； and we begin to weep； less under
the sense of our suffering than at the thought of it。 I felt a sort of pitying
anguish over the pathos of my own lot： the lot of a being finely
organized for pain； but with hardly any fibres that responded to pleasure
to whom the idea of future evil robbed the present of its joy； and for whom
the idea of future good did not still the uneasiness of a present yearning or
a present dread。 I went dumbly through that stage of the poet's suffering；
in which he feels the delicious pang of utterance； and makes an image of
his sorrows。
I was left entirely without remonstrance concerning this dreamy
wayward life： I knew my father's thought about me： 〃That lad will
never be good for anything in life： he may waste his years in an
insignificant way on the ine that falls to him： I shall not trouble
myself about a career for him。〃
One mild morning in the beginning of November； it happened that I
was standing outside the portico patting lazy old Caesar； a Newfoundland
almost blind with age； the only dog that ever took any notice of mefor
the very dogs shunned me； and fawned on the happier people about me
when the groom brought up my brother's horse which was to carry him to
the hunt； and my brother himself appeared at the door； florid； broad…
chested； and self…placent； feeling what a good…natured fellow he was
not to behave insolently to us all on the strength of his great advantages。
〃Latimer； old boy；〃 he said to me in a tone of passionate cordiality；
〃what a pity it is you don't have a run with the hounds now and then！
The finest thing in the world for low spirits！〃
〃Low spirits！〃 I thought bitterly； as he rode away； 〃that is the sort of
phrase with which coarse； narrow natures like yours think to describe
experience of which you can know no more than your horse knows。 It is
to such as you that the good of this world falls： ready dulness； healthy
selfishness； good…tempered conceit these are the keys to happiness。〃
The quick thought came； that my selfishness was even stronger than
hisit was only a suffering selfishness instead of an enjoying one。 But
then； again； my exasperating insight into Alfred's self… placent soul；
his freedom from all the doubts and fears； the unsatisfied yearnings； the
exquisite tortures of sensitiveness； that had made the web of my life；
seemed to absolve me from all bonds towards him。 This man needed no
pity； no love； those fine influences would have been as little felt by him as
the delicate white mist is felt by the rock it caresses。 There was no evil
in store for HIM： if he was not to marry Bertha； it would be because he
had found a lot pleasanter to himself。
Mr。 Filmore's house lay not more than half a mile beyond our own
gates； and whenever I knew my brother was gone in another direction； I
went there for the chance of finding Bertha at home。 Later on in the day I
walked thither。 By a rare accident she was alone； and we walked out in
the grounds together； for she seldom went on foot beyond the trimly…swept
gravel…walks。 I remember what a beautiful sylph she looked to me as the
low November sun shone on her blond hair； and she tripped along teasing
me with her usual light banter； to which I listened half fondly； half
moodily； it was all the sign Bertha's mysterious inner self ever made to me。
To… day perhaps； the moodiness predominated； for I had not yet shaken off
the access of jealous hate which my brother had raised in me by his
parting patronage。 Suddenly I interrupted and startled her by saying；
almost fiercely； 〃Bertha； how can you love Alfred？〃
She looked at me with surprise for a moment； but soon her light smile
came again； and she answered sarcastically； 〃Why do you suppose I love
him？〃
〃How can you ask that； Bertha？〃
〃What！ your wisdom thinks I must love the man I'm going to marry？
The most unpleasant thing in the world。 I should quarrel with him； I
should be jealous of him； our menage would be conducted in a very ill…
bred manner。 A little quiet contempt contributes greatly to the elegance
of life。〃
〃Bertha； that is not your real feeling。 Why do you delight in trying to
deceive me by inventing such cynical speeches？〃
〃I need never take the trouble of invention in order to deceive you； my
small Tasso〃 （that was the mocking name she usually gave me）。 〃The
easiest way to deceive a poet is to tell him the truth。〃
She was testing the validity of her epigram in a daring way； and for a
moment the shadow