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perform his last duty； and had said a few things that he knew were unheard。 A police officer explained that it hadn‘t been the driver‘s fault。 The brakes had failed。 Mechanical defect。 Nobody‘s fault； really。 Just one of those things。 All the things he‘d said before； on other such occasions； trying to explain to some innocent person why the main part of his world had just ended； as though it mattered。 This Mr Kelly was a tough one； the officer saw； and all the more vulnerable because of it。 His wife and unborn child； whom he might have protected against any hazard； were dead by an accident。 Nobody to blame。 The trucker； a family man himself； was in the hospital； under sedation after having gone under his rig in the hope of finding her alive。 People Kelly had been working with sat with him； and would help him make arrangements。 There was nothing else to be done for a man who would have accepted hell rather than this； because he‘d seen hell。 But there was more than one hell； and he hadn‘t seen them all quite yet。
C1
WithoutRemors
CHAPTER 1
Enfant perdu
May
He‘d never know why he stopped。 Kelly pulled his Scout over to the shoulder without a conscious thought。 She hadn‘t had her hand out soliciting a ride。 She‘d just been standing at the side of the road； watching the cars speed past in a spray of highway grit and a wake of fumes。 Her posture was that of a hitchhiker； one knee locked； the other bent。 Her clothes were clearly well used and a backpack was loosely slung over one shoulder。 Her tawny； shoulder…length hair moved about in the rush of air from the traffic。 Her face showed nothing； but Kelly didn‘t see that until he was already pressing his right foot on the brake pedal and angling onto the loose rock of the shoulder。 He wondered if he should go back into the traffic； then decided that he was already mitted； though to what he didn‘t know； exactly。 The girl‘s eyes followed the car and； as he looked in his rearview mirror； she shrugged without any particular enthusiasm and walked towards him。 The passenger window was down already； and in a few seconds she was there。
‘Where you goin‘？‘ she asked。
That surprised Kelly。 He thought the first question …Need a ride？ … was supposed to be his。 He hesitated for a second or two； looking at her。 Twenty…one； perhaps； but old for her years。 Her face wasn‘t dirty； but neither was it clean； perhaps from the wind and dust on the interstate。 She wore a man‘s cotton shirt that hadn‘t been ironed in months； and her hair was knotted。 But what surprised him most of all were her eyes。 Fetchingly gray…green； they stared past Kelly into 。。。 what？ He‘d seen the look before often enough； but only on weary men。 He‘d had the look himself； Kelly remembered； but even then he‘d never known what his eyes saw。 It didn‘t occur to him that he wore a look not so different now。
‘Back to my boat；‘ he answered finally； not knowing what else to say。 And that quickly； her eyes changed。
‘You have a boat？‘ she asked。 Her eyes lit up like a child‘s； a smile started there and radiated down the remainder of her face； as though he‘d just answered an important question。 She had a cute gap between her front teeth； Kelly noticed。
‘Forty…footer … she‘s a diesel cruiser。‘ He waved to the back of the Scout； whose cargo area was pletely filled with cartons of groceries。 ‘You want to e along？‘ he asked； also without thinking。
‘Sure！‘ Without hesitation she yanked open the door and tossed her backpack on the floor in front of the passenger seat。
Pulling back into traffic was dangerous。 Short of wheel…base and short of power； the Scout wasn‘t built for interstate…highway driving； and Kelly had to concentrate。 The car wasn‘t fast enough to go in any other lane than the right； and with people ing on and off at every interchange； he had to pay attention because the Scout wasn‘t nimble enough to avoid all the idiots who were heading out to the ocean or wherever the hell people went on a three…day weekend。
You want to e along？ he‘d asked； and she‘d said Sure； his mind reported to him。 What the hеll？ Kelly frowned in frustration at the traffic because he didn‘t know the answer； but then there were a lot of questions to which he hadn‘t known the answers in the last six months。 He told his mind to be quiet and watched the traffic； even though it kept up its inquiries in a nagging sort of background noise。 One‘s mind； after all； rarely obeys its own mands。
Memorial Day weekend； he thought。 The cars around him were filled with people rushing home from work； or those who‘d already made that trip and picked up their families。 The faces of children stared out of the rear…seat windows。 One or two waved at him； but Kelly pretended not to notice。 It was hard not having a soul； most especially when you could remember having had one。
Kelly ran a hand across his jaw； feeling the sandpaper texture。 The hand itself was dirty。 No wonder they‘d acted that way at the grocery warehouse。 Letting yourself go； Kelly。
Well； who the hell cares？
He turned to look at his guest and realized that he didn‘t know her name。 He was taking her to his boat； and he didn‘t know her name。 Amazing。 She was staring forward； her face serene。 It was a pretty face in profile。 She was thin … perhaps willowy was the right word； her hair halfway between blonde and brown。 Her jeans were worn and torn in a few places； and had begun life at one of those stores where they charged you extra to sell jeans that were pre…faded … or whatever they did with them。 Kelly didn‘t know and cared less。 One more thing not to care about。
Christ； how did you ever get this screwed up？ his mind demanded of him。 He knew the answer； but even that was not a full explanation。 Different segments of the organism called John Terrence Kelly knew different parts of the whole story； but somehow they‘d never all e together； leaving the separate fragments of what had once been a tough； smart； decisive man to blunder about in confusion … and despair？ There was a happy thought。
He remembered what he‘d once been。 He remembered all the things that he had survived； amazed that he had done so。 And perhaps the worst torment of all was that he d