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couldn’t summon as a youth； from his glances； I realized how he was in awe of
my proud demeanor； my manners； my upbringing； the way I waited patiently
and bravely for my husband； and the beauty of the letter I’d written him。
I felt anger toward my father； who was setting things up so I wouldn’t be
able to marry again。 I was also fed up with those illustrations he was having
the miniaturists make in imitation of the Frankish masters； and I was sick of
his recollections of Venice。
When I closed my eyes again—Allah； it wasn’t my own desire—in my
thoughts； Black had approached me so sweetly that in the dark I could feel him
beside me。 Suddenly； I sensed that he’d e up from behind me； he was
kissing the nape of my neck； the back of my ears； and I could feel how strong
he was。 He was solid； large and hard； and I could lean on him。 I felt secure。 My
nape tingled； my nipples were stiffening。 It seemed as if there in the dark； with
my eyes closed； I could feel his enlarged member behind me； close to me。 My
head spun。 What was Black’s like？ I wondered。
At times in my dreams； my husband in his agony shows his to me。 I e
to the awareness that my husband is struggling to keep his bloody body；
lanced and shot with Persian arrows； walking upright as he approaches。 But
sadly； there is a river between us。 As he calls to me from the opposite bank；
covered in blood and suffering terribly； I notice that he has bee erect。 If it’s
true what the Georgian bride said at the public bath； and if there’s truth to
what the old hags say； “Yes； it grows that large；” then my husband’s wasn’t so
big。 If Black’s is bigger； if that enormous thing I saw under Black’s belt when
he took up the empty piece of paper I’d sent by Shevket yesterday； if that was
actually it—and it surely was—I’m afraid I’ll suffer great pain； if it even fits
inside me at all。
“Mother； Shevket is mocking me。”
I left the black corner of the closet； quietly passing into the room across the
hall； where I removed the red broadcloth vest from the chest and put it on。
They’d spread out my mattress and were shouting and frolicking on it。
“Didn’t I warn you that when Black visits you aren’t to shout； did I not？”
“Mama； why did you put that red vest on？” Shevket asked。
“But Mother； Shevket was mocking me；” Orhan said。
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“Didn’t I tell you not to mock him？ And what’s this foul thing doing here？”
Off to the side there was a piece of animal hide。
“It’s a carcass；” Orhan said。 “Shevket found it on the street。”
“Quick； take it and throw it back where you found it； now。”
“Let Shevket do it。”
“I said now！”
As I would do before I slapped them； I bit my lower lip angrily； and seeing
how serious I really was； they fled in fright。 I hope they return soon so they
don’t catch cold。
Of all the miniaturists； I liked Black the best。 He liked me more than the
others did and I understood his soul。 I took out pen and paper； and in one
sitting； without having to think； I wrote the following：
All right then； before the evening prayer is called； I’ll meet you at the house of
the Hanged Jew。 Finish my father’s book as soon as possible。
I did not reply to Hasan。 Even if he was actually going to the judge today； I
didn’t believe that the men he and his father were assembling would raid our
house immediately。 If he were indeed ready to take such action he’d have done
so without writing a letter or awaiting my reply。 He’s surely awaiting my
response； and； when it doesn’t arrive； it’ll drive him mad。 Only then will he
begin assembling people and prepare to abduct me。 Don’t think I’m not afraid
of him at all。 But； I’m counting on Black to protect me。 Anyway； let me tell you
what’s going on in my heart just now： I believe I’m not so afraid of Hasan
because I love him as well。
If you object and think to yourselves； “Now what is this love about？” I’d
find you justified。 It’s not that I failed to notice during the years we waited
under the same roof for my husband’s return； how pitiful； weak and selfish
this man was。 But now that Esther tells me he earns a lot of money—and I can
always tell when she’s being truthful from her raised eyebrows—since he has
money； and with it self…confidence； the overbearing Hasan has surely
disappeared； exposing the dark； jinnlike peculiarity that attracts me to him。 I
discovered this side of him through the letters he stubbornly sent to me。
Both Black and Hasan have suffered for their love of me。 Black disappeared；
traveling for twelve years。 The other； Hasan； sent me letters every day； in the
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corners of which he’d illustrated birds and gazelles。 At first I was frightened of
him； but later； I loved to read his letters again and again。
As I well knew that Hasan was thoroughly curious about everything having
to do with me； I wasn’t surprised that he knew I’d seen my husband’s corpse
in a dream。 What I suspected was that Esther was letting Hasan read the
letters I’d sent to Black。 That’s why I sent no response to Black by way of
Esther。 You know better than I whether my suspicions are justified。
“Where were you？” I said to the children when they returned。
They quickly understood that I wasn’t really angry。 Discreetly； I pulled
Shevket aside； to the edge of the darkened closet。 I lifted him onto my lap。 I
kissed his head and the nape of his neck。
“You’re cold； my dear；” I said。 “Give me those pretty hands of yours so
Mother can warm them up…”
His hands had a foul smell； but I didn’t ment。 Pressing his head to my
bosom； I gave him a long hug。 In a short time he warmed up； relaxing like a
kitten； sweetly mewling with pleasure。
“So then； you love your mother quite a lot； don’t you？”
“Ummmhmmm。”
“Is that a ”yes‘？“
“Yes。”
“More than anybody else？”
“Yes。”
“Then I’m going to tel