按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
stomach。 Orhan was resting his sweaty head on my bosom。 Somehow； I was
able to get out of bed and leave the room without waking them。
I crossed the wide hallway and silently opened Black’s door。 In the light cast
by my candle； I couldn’t see him； only the edge of his white mattress which lay
like a shrouded body in the middle of the dark； cold room。 The candlelight
seemed unable to reach the mattress。
When I brought my hand even closer； the reddish…orange light of the candle
struck Black’s weary； unshaven face and naked shoulders。 I drew near to him。
Just as Orhan did； he slept curled up like a pill bug； and he wore the expression
of a sleeping maiden。
“This is my husband；” I said to myself。 He seemed so distant； so much a
stranger； that I was filled with sorrow。 If I’d had a dagger with me； I would’ve
murdered him—no； I didn’t actually want to do such a thing； I was only
wondering； the way children do； how it’d be if I killed him。 I didn’t believe
he’d lived for years through thoughts of me； neither in his innocent childlike
expression。
Prodding his shoulder with the edge of my bare foot； I woke him。 When he
saw me； he was startled more than enchanted and excited； if only for a
moment； just as I’d hoped。 Before he’d pletely e to his senses； I said：
“I dreamed I saw my father。 He confided something horrible to me： You
were the one who killed him…”
“Weren’t we together when your father was murdered？”
“I’m aware of this；” I said。 “But you knew that my father would be at home
all alone。”
“I did not。 You were the one who sent the children out with Hayriye。 Only
Hayriye； and perhaps Esther； knew about it。 And as for whoever else might’ve
known； you’d have a better idea than I。”
“There are times I feel an inner voice is about to tell me why everything has
gone so badly； the secret of all of our misfortune。 I open my mouth so that
317
voice might speak； but as in a dream； I make no sound。 You’re no longer the
good and naive Black of my childhood。”
“That naive Black was driven away by you and your father。”
“If you’ve married me to take revenge on my father； you’ve acplished
your goal。 Maybe this is why the children don’t like you。”
“I know；” he said without sorrow。 “Before going to bed you were
downstairs for a while。 They were chanting ”Black； Black； my ass’s crack；“ loud
enough so I could hear。”
“You should’ve given them a beating；” I said； at first half…wishing he’d done
so。 Then I added in a panic； “If you raise a hand against them； I’ll kill you。”
“Get into bed；” he said。 “Or you’ll freeze to death。”
“Maybe I’ll never get into your bed。 Maybe we’ve made a mistake by
getting married。 They say our ceremony has no legitimacy before the law。 Do
you know I heard Hasan’s footsteps before I fell asleep？ It’s not surprising；
when I was living in the house of my late husband； I heard Hasan’s footsteps
for years。 The children like him。 And he’s merciless； that one。 He has a red
sword； take care to guard yourself against it。”
I saw something so weary and so stern in Black’s eyes that I knew I
wouldn’t be able to scare him。
“Of the two of us； you’re the one with more hope and the one with more
sadness；” I said。 “I’m just struggling not to be unhappy and to protect my
children； whereas you’re stubbornly trying to prove yourself。 It’s not because
you love me。”
He went on at length about how much he loved me； how he always thought
only of me in desolate caravansaries； on barren mountains and during snowy
nights。 If he hadn’t said these things； I would’ve awakened the children and
returned to my former husband’s house。 Because I had the urge； I said the
following：
“Sometimes it seems that my former husband might return at any time。 It’s
not that I fear being caught in the middle of the night with you or being
caught by the children； I’m afraid that as soon as we embrace he’ll e
knocking on the door。”
We heard the wailing of cats fighting for their lives just outside the
courtyard gate。 This was followed by a long silence。 I thought I might sob。 I
could neither set my candle holder down on the end table nor turn around
318
and head to my room to be with my sons。 I told myself that I wouldn’t leave
this room until I was absolutely convinced that Black had nothing whatsoever
to do with my father’s death。
“You belittle us；” I said to Black。 “You’ve grown haughty since you married
me。 You clearly looked down on us because my husband was missing； and now
that my father’s been killed you find us even more pitiful。”
“My respected Shekure；” he said cautiously。 It pleased me that he’d begun
this way。 “You yourself know that none of this is true。 I’d do anything for
you。”
“Then get out of bed； and wait with me on your feet。”
Why had I said that I was waiting？
“I cannot；” he said； and in embarrassment； gestured to the quilt and his
nightgown。
He was right； but it annoyed me anyway that he wasn’t heeding my
request。
“Before my father was murdered； you entered this house cowering like a cat
who’d spilled milk；” I said。 “But now when you address me as ”My respected
Shekure‘ it seems empty—as though you want us to know it is。“
I was trembling； not out of anger； but because of the icy cold that seized my
legs； back and neck。
“Get into bed and be my wife；” he said。
“How will the villain who killed my father ever be found？” I said。 “If it’s
going to take some time before he’s found； it’s not right for me to stay in this
house with you。”
“Thanks to you and Esther； Master Osman has focused all his attention on
the horses。”
“Master Osman was the sworn enemy of my father； may he rest in peace。
Now my poor father can see from above that you’r