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knew not what room upstairs。 She was not; I was told; in the hospital portion of the house with the fever patients; for her plaint was consumption; not typhus: and by consumption I; in my ignorance; understood something mild; which time and care would be sure to alleviate。
I was confirmed in this idea by the fact of her once or twice ing downstairs on very warm sunny afternoons; and being taken by Miss Temple into the garden; but; on these occasions; I was not allowed to go and speak to her; I only saw her from the schoolroom window; and then not distinctly; for she was much wrapped up; and sat at a distance under the verandah。
One evening; in the beginning of June; I had stayed out very late with Mary Ann in the wood; we had; as usual; separated ourselves from the others; and had wandered far; so far that we lost our way; and had to ask it at a lonely cottage; where a man and woman lived; who looked after a herd of half…wild swine that fed on the mast in the wood。 When we got back; it was after moonrise: a pony; which we knew to be the surgeon’s; was standing at the garden door。 Mary Ann remarked that she supposed some one must be very ill; as Mr。 Bates had been sent for at that time of the evening。 She went into the house; I stayed behind a few minutes to plant in my garden a handful of roots I had dug up in the forest; and which I feared would wither if I left them till the morning。 This done; I lingered yet a little longer: the flowers smelt so sweet as the dew fell; it was such a pleasant evening; so serene; so warm; the still glowing west promised so fairly another fine day on the morrow; the moon rose with such majesty in the grave east。 I was noting these things and enjoying them as a child might; when it entered my mind as it had never done before:—
“How sad to be lying now on a sick bed; and to be in danger of dying! This world is pleasant—it would be dreary to be called from it; and to have to go who knows where?”
And then my mind made its first earnest effort to prehend what had been infused into it concerning heaven and hell; and for the first time it recoiled; baffled; and for the first time glancing behind; on each side; and before it; it saw all round an unfathomed gulf: it felt the one point where it stood—the present; all the rest was formless cloud and vacant depth; and it shuddered at the thought of tottering; and plunging amid that chaos。 While pondering this new idea; I heard the front door open; Mr。 Bates came out; and with him was a nurse。 After she had seen him mount his horse and depart; she was about to close the door; but I ran up to her。
“How is Helen Burns?”
“Very poorly;” was the answer。
“Is it her Mr。 Bates has been to see?”
“Yes。”
“And what does he say about her?”
“He says she’ll not be here long。”
This phrase; uttered in my hearing yesterday; would have only conveyed the notion that she was about to be removed to Northumberland; to her own home。 I should not have suspected that it meant she was dying; but I knew instantly now! It opened clear on my prehension that Helen Burns was numbering her last days in this world; and that she was going to be taken to the region of spirits; if such region there were。 I experienced a shock of horror; then a strong thrill of grief; then a desire—a necessity to see her; and I asked in what room she lay。
“She is in Miss Temple’s room;” said the nurse。
“May I go up and speak to her?”
“Oh no; child! It is not likely; and now it is time for you to e in; you’ll catch the fever if you stop out when the dew is falling。”
The nurse closed the front door; I went in by the side entrance which led to the schoolroom: I was just in time; it was nine o’clock; and Miss Miller was calling the pupils to go to bed。
It might be two hours later; probably near eleven; when I—not having been able to fall asleep; and deeming; from the perfect silence of the dormitory; that my panions were all wrapt in profound repose—rose softly; put on my frock over my night…dress; and; without shoes; crept from the apartment; and set off in quest of Miss Temple’s room。 It was quite at the other end of the house; but I knew my way; and the light of the unclouded summer moon; entering here and there at passage windows; enabled me to find it without difficulty。 An odour of camphor and burnt vinegar warned me when I came near the fever room: and I passed its door quickly; fearful lest the nurse who sat up all night should hear me。 I dreaded being discovered and sent back; for I must see Helen;—I must embrace her before she died;—I must give her one last kiss; exchange with her one last word。
Having descended a staircase; traversed a portion of the house below; and succeeded in opening and shutting; without noise; two doors; I reached another flight of steps; these I mounted; and then just opposite to me was Miss Temple’s room。 A light shone through the keyhole and from under the door; a profound stillness pervaded the vicinity。 ing near; I found the door slightly ajar; probably to admit some fresh air into the close abode of sickness。 Indisposed to hesitate; and full of impatient impulses—soul and senses quivering with keen throes—I put it back and looked in。 My eye sought Helen; and feared to find death。
Close by Miss Temple’s bed; and half covered with its white curtains; there stood a little crib。 I saw the outline of a form under the clothes; but the face was hid by the hangings: the nurse I had spoken to in the garden sat in an easy…chair asleep; an unsnuffed candle burnt dimly on the table。 Miss Temple was not to be seen: I knew afterwards that she had been called to a delirious patient in the fever…room。 I advanced; then paused by the crib side: my hand was on the curtain; but I preferred speaking before I withdrew it。 I still recoiled at the dread of seeing a corpse。
“Helen!” I whispered softly; “are you awake?”
She stirred herself; put back the curtain; and I saw her face; pale; posed: she looked so little changed that my fear was instantly dissipated。
“Can it be you; Jane?” she asked; in her own gentle voice。
“Oh!” I thought; “she is not going to die; they are mistaken: she could not speak and look so calmly if she were。”