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e he saw I could sit at a task the longest of the three。 Would I do him this favour? I should not; perhaps; have to make the sacrifice long; as it wanted now barely three months to his departure。
St。 John was not a man to be lightly refused: you felt that every impression made on him; either for pain or pleasure; was deep…graved and permanent。 I consented。 When Diana and Mary returned; the former found her scholar transferred from her to her brother: she laughed; and both she and Mary agreed that St。 John should never have persuaded them to such a step。 He answered quietly—
“I know it。”
I found him a very patient; very forbearing; and yet an exacting master: he expected me to do a great deal; and when I fulfilled his expectations; he; in his own way; fully testified his approbation。 By degrees; he acquired a certain influence over me that took away my liberty of mind: his praise and notice were more restraining than his indifference。 I could no longer talk or laugh freely when he was by; because a tiresomely importunate instinct reminded me that vivacity (at least in me) was distasteful to him。 I was so fully aware that only serious moods and occupations were acceptable; that in his presence every effort to sustain or follow any other became vain: I fell under a freezing spell。 When he said “go;” I went; “e;” I came; “do this;” I did it。 But I did not love my servitude: I wished; many a time; he had continued to neglect me。
One evening when; at bedtime; his sisters and I stood round him; bidding him good…night; he kissed each of them; as was his custom; and; as ; he gave me his hand。 Diana; who chanced to be in a frolicsome humour (She was not painfully controlled by his will; for hers; in another way; was as strong); exclaimed—
“St。 John! you used to call Jane your third sister; but you don’t treat her as such: you should kiss her too。”
She pushed me towards him。 I thought Diana very provoking; and felt unfortably confused; and while I was thus thinking and feeling; St。 John bent his head; his Greek face was brought to a level y eyes piercingly—he kissed me。 There are no such things as marble kisses or ice kisses; or I should say my ecclesiastical cousin’s salute belonged to one of these classes; but there may be experiment kisses; and his was an experiment kiss。 When given; he viewed me to learn the result; it was not striking: I am sure I did not blush; perhaps I might have turned a little pale; for I felt as if this kiss were a seal affixed to my fetters。 He never omitted the ceremony afterwards; and the gravity and quiescence with which I underwent it; seemed to invest it for him with a certain charm。
As for me; I daily wished more to please him; but to do so; I felt daily more and more that I must disown half my nature; stifle half my faculties; wrest my tastes from their original bent; force myself to the adoption of pursuits for which I had no natural vocation。 He wanted to train me to an elevation I could never reach; it racked me hourly to aspire to the standard he uplifted。 The thing was as impossible as to mould my irregular features to his correct and classic pattern; to give to my changeable green eyes the sea…blue tint and solemn lustre of his own。
Not his ascendancy alone; however; held me in thrall at present。 Of late it had been easy enough for me to look sad: a cankering evil sat at my heart and drained my happiness at its source—the evil of suspense。
Perhaps you think I had forgotten Mr。 Rochester; reader; amidst these changes of place and fortune。 Not for a moment。 His idea was still with me; because it was not a vapour sunshine could disperse; nor a sand…traced effigy storms could wash away; it was a name graven on a tablet; fated to last as long as the marble it inscribed。 The craving to know what had bee of him followed me everywhere; when I was at Morton; I re…entered my cottage every evening to think of that; and now at Moor House; I sought my bedroom each night to brood over it。
In the course of my necessary correspondence with Mr。 Briggs about the will; I had inquired if he knew anything of Mr。 Rochester’s present residence and state of health; but; as St。 John had conjectured; he was quite ignorant of all concerning him。 I then wrote to Mrs。 Fairfax; entreating information on the subject。 I had calculated with certainty on this step answering my end: I felt sure it would elicit an early answer。 I was astonished when a fortnight passed without reply; but when two months wore away; and day after day the post arrived and brought nothing for me; I fell a prey to the keenest anxiety。
I wrote again: there was a chance of my first letter having missed。 Renewed hope followed renewed effort: it shone like the former for some weeks; then; like it; it faded; flickered: not a line; not a word reached me。 When half a year wasted in vain expectancy; my hope died out; and then I felt dark indeed。
A fine spring shone round me; which I could not enjoy。 Summer approached; Diana tried to cheer me: she said I looked ill; and wished to acpany me to the sea…side。 This St。 John opposed; he said I did not want dissipation; I wanted employment; my present life was too purposeless; I required an aim; and; I suppose; by way of supplying deficiencies; he prolonged still further my lessons in Hindostanee; and greplishment: and I; like a fool; never thought of resisting him—I could not resist him。
One day I had e to my studies in lower spirits than usual; the ebb was occasioned by a poignantly felt disappointment。 Hannah had told me in the morning there was a letter for me; and when I went down to take it; almost certain that the long…looked for tidings were vouchsafed me at last; I found only an unimportant note from Mr。 Briggs on business。 The bitter check had wrung from me some tears; and now; as I sat poring over the crabbed characters and flourishing tropes of an Indian scribe; my eyes filled again。
St。 John called me to his side to read; in attempting to do this my voice failed me: words were lost in sobs。 He and I were the only occupants of the parlour: Diana was practising her music in the drawing…room; Mary was gardening—it was a very fine May day; clear; sunny; and breezy。 My panion ex