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简爱(英文版)-第章

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t; raw; and stinging in my mind; I had felt every word as acutely as I had heard it plainly; and a passion of resentment fomented now within me。
Mrs。 Reed looked up from her work; her eye settled on mine; her fingers at the same time suspended their nimble movements。
“Go out of the room; return to the nursery;” was her mandate。 My look or something else must have struck her as offensive; for she spoke with extreme though suppressed irritation。 I got up; I went to the door; I came back again; I walked to the window; across the room; then close up to her。
Speak I must: I had been trodden on severely; and must turn: but how? What strength had I to dart retaliation at my antagonist? I gathered my energies and launched them in this blunt sentence—
“I am not deceitful: if I were; I should say I loved you; but I declare I do not love you: I dislike you the worst of anybody in the world except John Reed; and this book about the liar; you may give to your girl; Georgiana; for it is she who tells lies; and not I。”
Mrs。 Reed’s hands still lay on her work inactive: her eye of ice continued to dwell freezingly on mine。
“What more have you to say?” she asked; rather in the tone in which a person might address an opponent of adult age than such as is ordinarily used to a child。
That eye of hers; that voice stirred every antipathy I had。 Shaking from head to foot; thrilled with ungovernable excitement; I continued—
“I am glad you are no relation of mine: I will never call you aunt again as long as I live。 I will never e to see you when I am grown up; and if any one asks me how I liked you; and how you treated me; I will say the very thought of you makes me sick; and that you treated me with miserable cruelty。”
“How dare you affirm that; Jane Eyre?”
“How dare I; Mrs。 Reed? How dare I? Because it is the truth。 You think I have no feelings; and that I can do without one bit of love or kindness; but I cannot live so: and you have no pity。 I shall remember how you thrust me back—roughly and violently thrust me back—into the red…room; and locked me up there; to my dying day; though I was in agony; though I cried out; while suffocating with distress; ‘Have mercy! Have mercy; Aunt Reed!’ And that punishment you made me suffer because your wicked boy struck me—knocked me down for nothing。 I will tell anybody who asks me questions; this exact tale。 People think you a good woman; but you are bad; hard… hearted。 You are deceitful!”
Ere I had finished this reply; my soul began to expand; to exult; with the strangest sense of freedom; of triumph; I ever felt。 It seemed as if an invisible bond had burst; and that I had struggled out into unhoped…for liberty。 Not without cause was this sentiment: Mrs。 Reed looked frightened; her work had slipped from her knee; she was lifting up her hands; rocking herself to and fro; and even twisting her face as if she would cry。
“Jane; you are under a mistake: what is the matter with you? Why do you tremble so violently? Would you like to drink some water?”
“No; Mrs。 Reed。”
“Is there anything else you wish for; Jane? I assure you; I desire to be your friend。”
“Not you。 You told Mr。 Brocklehurst I had a bad character; a deceitful disposition; and I’ll let everybody at Lowood know what you are; and what you have done。”
“Jane; you don’t understand these things: children must be corrected for their faults。”
“Deceit is not my fault!” I cried out in a savage; high voice。
“But you are passionate; Jane; that you must allow: and now return to the nursery—there’s a dear—and lie down a little。”
“I am not your dear; I cannot lie down: send me to school soon; Mrs。 Reed; for I hate to live here。”
“I will indeed send her to school soon;” murmured Mrs。 Reed sotto voce; and gathering up her ent。
I was left there alone—winner of the field。 It was the hardest battle I had fought; and the first victory I had gained: I stood awhile on the rug; where Mr。 Brocklehurst had stood; and I enjoyed my conqueror’s solitude。 First; I smiled to myself and felt elate; but this fierce pleasure subsided in me as fast as did the accelerated throb of my pulses。 A child cannot quarrel with its elders; as I had done; cannot give its furious feelings uncontrolled play; as I had given mine; without experiencing afterwards the pang of remorse and the chill of reaction。 A ridge of lighted heath; alive; glancing; devouring; would have been a meet emblem of my mind when I accused and menaced Mrs。 Reed: the same ridge; black and blasted after the flames are dead; would have represented as meetly my subsequent condition; when half…an…hour’s silence and reflection had shown me the madness of my conduct; and the dreariness of my hated and hating position。
Something of vengeance I had tasted for the first time; as aromatic wine it seemed; on swallowing; warm and racy: its after…flavour; metallic and corroding; gave me a sensation as if I had been poisoned。 Willingly would I now have gone and asked Mrs。 Reed’s pardon; but I knew; partly from experience and partly from instinct; that was the way to make her repulse me with double scorn; thereby re…exciting every turbulent impulse of my nature。
I would fain exercise some better faculty than that of fierce speaking; fain find nourishment for some less fiendish feeling than that of sombre indignation。 I took a book—some Arabian tales; I sat down and endeavoured to read。 I could make no sense of the subject; my own thoughts swam always between me and the page I had usually found fascinating。 I opened the glass…door in the breakfast…room: the shrubbery was quite still: the black frost reigned; unbroken by sun or breeze; through the grounds。 I covered my head and arms with the skirt of my frock; and went out to walk in a part of the plantation which was quite sequestrated; but I found no pleasure in the silent trees; the falling fir…cones; the congealed relics of autumn; russet leaves; swept by past winds in heaps; and now stiffened together。 I leaned against a gate; and looked into an empty field where no sheep were feeding; where the short grass was nipped and blanched。 It was a very grey day; a most opaque sky; “onding on snaw;” canopied all; thence flake
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