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简爱(英文版)-第章

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As I love—loved am I!”
He rose and came towards me; and I saw his face all kindled; and his full falcon…eye flashing; and tenderness and passion in every lineament。 I quailed momentarily—then I rallied。 Soft scene; daring demonstration; I would not have; and I stood in peril of both: a weapon of defence must be prepared—I whetted my tongue: as he reached me; I asked with asperity; “whom he was going to marry now?”
“That was a strange question to be put by his darling Jane。”
“Indeed! I considered it a very natural and necessary one: he had talked of his future wife dying with him。 What did he mean by such a pagan idea? I had no intention of dying with him—he might depend on that。”
“Oh; all he longed; all he prayed for; was that I might live with him! Death was not for such as I。”
“Indeed it was: I had as good a right to die when my time came as he had: but I should bide that time; and not be hurried away in a suttee。”
“Would I forgive him for the selfish idea; and prove my pardon by a reconciling kiss?”
“No: I would rather be excused。”
Here I heard myself apostrophised as a “hard little thing;” and it was added; “any other woman would have been melted to marrow at hearing such stanzas crooned in her praise。”
I assured him I was naturally hard—very flinty; and that he would often find me so; and that; moreover; I was determined to show him divers rugged points in my character before the ensuing four weeks elapsed: he should know fully what sort of a bargain he had made; while there was yet time to rescind it。
“Would I be quiet and talk rationally?”
“I would be quiet if he liked; and as to talking rationally; I flattered myself I was doing that now。”
He fretted; pished; and pshawed。 “Very good;” I thought; “you may fume and fidget as you please: but this is the best plan to pursue with you; I am certain。 I like you more than I can say; but I’ll not sink into a bathos of sentiment: and with this needle of repartee I’ll keep you from the edge of the gulf too; and; moreover; maintain by its pungent aid that distance between you and myself most conducive to our real mutual advantage。”
From less to more; I worked him up to considerable irritation; then; after he had retired; in dudgeon; quite to the other end of the room; I got up; and saying; “I wish you good…night; sir;” in my natural and wonted respectful manner; I slipped out by the side…door and got away。
The system thus entered on; I pursued during the whole season of probation; and with the best success。 He was kept; to be sure; rather cross and crusty; but on the whole I could see he was excellently entertained; and that a lamb…like submission and turtle… dove sensibility; while fostering his despotism more; would have pleased his judgment; satisfied his mon…sense; and even suited his taste less。
In other people’s presence I was; as formerly; deferential and quiet; any other line of conduct being uncalled for: it was only in the evening conferences I thus thwarted and afflicted him。 He continued to send for me punctually the moment the clock struck seven; though when I appeared before him now; he had no such honeyed terms as “love” and “darling” on his lips: the best words at my service were “provoking puppet;” “malicious elf;” “sprite;” “changeling;” &c。 For caresses; too; I now got grimaces; for a pressure of the hand; a pinch on the arm; for a kiss on the cheek; a severe tweak of the ear。 It was all right: at present I decidedly preferred these fierce favours to anything more tender。 Mrs。 Fairfax; I saw; approved me: her anxiety on my account vanished; therefore I was certain I did well。 Meantime; Mr。 Rochester affirmed I was wearing him to skin and bone; and threatened awful vengeance for my present conduct at some period fast ing。 I laughed in my sleeve at his menaces。 “I can keep you in reasonable check now;” I reflected; “and I don’t doubt to be able to do it hereafter: if one expedient loses its virtue; another must be devised。”
Yet after all my task was not an easy one; often I would rather have pleased than teased him。 My future husband was being to me my whole world; and more than the world: almost my hope of heaven。 He stood between me and every thought of religion; as an eclipse intervenes between man and the broad sun。 I could not; in those days; see God for His creature: of whom I had made an idol。
Chapter 25
The month of courtship had wasted: its very last hours were being numbered。 There was no putting off the day that advanced—the bridal day; and all preparations for its arrival were plete。 I; at least; had nothing more to do: there were my trunks; packed; locked; corded; ranged in a row along the wall of my little chamber; to…morrow; at this time; they would be far on their road to London: and so should I (D。V。);—or rather; not I; but one Jane Rochester; a person whom as yet I knew not。 The cards of address alone remained to nail on: they lay; four little squares; in the drawer。 Mr。 Rochester had himself written the direction; “Mrs。 Rochester;— Hotel; London;” on each: I could not persuade myself to affix them; or to have them affixed。 Mrs。 Rochester! She did not exist: she would not be born till to…morrow; some time after eight o’clock a。m。; and I would wait to be assured she had e into the world alive before I assigned to her all that property。 It was enough that in yonder closet; opposite my dressing…table; garments said to be hers had already displaced my black stuff Lowood frock and straw bon: for not to me appertained that suit of wedding raiment; the pearl…coloured robe; the vapoury veil pendent from the usurped portmanteau。 I shut the closet to conceal the strange; wraith…like apparel it contained; which; at this evening hour—nine o’clock— gave out certainly a most ghostly shimmer through the shadow of my apartment。 “I will leave you by yourself; white dream;” I said。 “I am feverish: I hear the wind blowing: I will go out of doors and feel it。”
It was not only the hurry of preparation that made me feverish; not only the anticipation of the great change—the new life which was to mence to…morrow: both these circumstances had their share; doubtless; in producing that 
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