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I tried to remember how to exhale。 I had to look away before it came back
to me。
〃You're doing it again；〃 I muttered。
His eyes opened wide with surprise。 〃What？〃
〃Dazzling me；〃 I admitted； trying to concentrate as I looked back at him。
〃Oh。〃 He frowned。
〃It's not your fault；〃 I sighed。 〃You can't help it。〃
〃Are you going to answer the question？〃
I looked down。 〃Yes。〃
〃Yes； you are going to answer； or yes； you really think that？〃 He was
irritated again。
〃Yes； I really think that。〃 I kept my eyes down on the table； my eyes
tracing the pattern of the faux wood grains printed on the laminate。 The
silence dragged on。 I stubbornly refused to be the first to break it this
time； fighting hard against the temptation to peek at his expression。
Finally he spoke； voice velvet soft。 〃You're wrong。〃
I glanced up to see that his eyes were gentle。
〃You can't know that；〃 I disagreed in a whisper。 I shook my head in
doubt； though my heart throbbed at his words and I wanted so badly to
believe them。
〃What makes you think so？〃 His liquid topaz eyes were perating —
trying futilely； I assumed； to lift the truth straight from my mind。
I stared back； struggling to think clearly in spite of his face； to find
some way to explain。 As I searched for the words； I could see him getting
impatient； frustrated by my silence； he started to scowl。 I lifted my
hand from my neck； and held up one finger。
〃Let me think；〃 I insisted。 His expression cleared； now that he was
satisfied that I was planning to answer。 I dropped my hand to the table；
moving my left hand so that my palms were pressed together。 I stared at
my hands； twisting and untwisting my fingers； as I finally spoke。
〃Well； aside from the obvious； sometimes…〃 I hesitated。 〃I can't be sure
— I don't know how to read minds — but sometimes it seems like you're
trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else。〃 That was the
best I could sum up the sensation of anguish that his words triggered in
me at times。
〃Perceptive；〃 he whispered。 And there was the anguish again； surfacing as
he confirmed my fear。 〃That's exactly why you're wrong； though；〃 he began
to explain； but then his eyes narrowed。 〃What do you mean； 'the obvious'？〃
〃Well； look at me；〃 I said； unnecessarily as he was already staring。 〃I'm
absolutely ordinary — well； except for bad things like all the neardeath
experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled。 And look at
you。〃 I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection。
His brow creased angrily for a moment； then smoothed as his eyes took on
a knowing look。 〃You don't see yourself very clearly； you know。 I'll
admit you're deadon about the bad things；〃 he chuckled blackly； 〃but you
didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your
first day。〃
I blinked； astonished。 〃I don't believe it…〃 I mumbled to myself。
〃Trust me just this once — you are the opposite of ordinary。〃
My embarrassment was much stronger than my pleasure at the look that came
into his eyes when he said this。 I quickly reminded him of my original
argument。
〃But I'm not saying goodbye；〃 I pointed out。
〃Don't you see？ That's what proves me right。 I care the most； because if
I can do it〃 — he shook his head； seeming to struggle with the thought —
〃if leaving is the right thing to do； then I'll hurt myself to keep from
hurting you； to keep you safe。〃
I glared。 〃And you don't think I would do the same？〃
〃You'd never have to make the choice。〃
Abruptly； his unpredictable mood shifted again； a mischievous；
devastating smile rearranged his features。 〃Of course； keeping you safe
is beginning to feel like a fulltime occupation that requires my
constant presence。〃
〃No one has tried to do away with me today；〃 I reminded him； grateful for
the lighter subject。 I didn't want him to talk about goodbyes anymore。 If
I had to； I supposed I could purposefully put myself in danger to keep
him close… I banished that thought before his quick eyes read it on my
face。 That idea would definitely get me in trouble。
〃Yet；〃 he added。
〃Yet；〃 I agreed； I would have argued； but now I wanted him to be
expecting disasters。
〃I have another question for you。〃 His face was still casual。
〃Shoot。〃
〃Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday； or was that just an
excuse to get out of saying no to all your admirers？〃
I made a face at the memory。 〃You know； I haven't forgiven you for the
Tyler thing yet；〃 I warned him。 〃It's your fault that he's deluded
himself into thinking I'm going to prom with him。〃
〃Oh； he would have found a chance to ask you without me — I just really
wanted to watch your face；〃 he chuckled； I would have been angrier if his
laughter wasn't so fascinating。 〃If I'd asked you； would you have turned
me down？〃 he asked； still laughing to himself。
〃Probably not；〃 I admitted。 〃But I would have canceled later — faked an
illness or a sprained ankle。〃
He was puzzled。 〃Why would you do that？〃
I shook my head sadly。 〃You've never seen me in Gym； I guess； but I would
have thought you would understand。〃
〃Are you referring to the fact that you can't walk across a flat； stable
surface without finding something to trip over？〃
〃Obviously。〃
〃That wouldn't be a problem。〃 He was very confident。 〃It's all in the
leading。〃 He could see that I was about to protest； and he cut me off。
〃But you never told me — are you resolved on going to Seattle； or do you
mind if we do something different？〃
As long as the 〃we〃 part was in； I didn't care about anything else。
〃I'm open to alternatives；〃 I allowed。 〃But I do have a favor to ask。〃
He looked wary； as he always did when I asked an openended question。
〃What？〃
〃Can I drive？〃
He frowned。 〃Why？〃
〃Well； mostly because when I told Charlie I was going to Seattle； he
specifically asked if I was going alone and； at the time； I was。 If he
asked again； I probably wouldn't lie； but I don't think he will ask
again； and leaving my truck at home would just bring up the subject