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the bed。
“Yeah;” I muttered; laughing weakly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs。
He shifted his weight; throwing his good leg off the bed as if he were going to try to stand。
“What are you doing?” I demanded through the tears。 “Lie down; you idiot; you’ll hurt yourself!” I jumped
to my feet and pushed his good shoulder down with two hands。
He surrendered; leaning back with a gasp of pain; but he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me
down on the bed; against his good side。 I curled up there; trying to stifle the silly sobs against his hot skin。
“I can’t believe you’re crying;” he mumbled。 “You know I just said those things because you wanted me
to。 I didn’t mean them。” His hand rubbed against my shoulders。
“I know。” I took a deep; ragged breath; trying to control myself。 How did I end up being the one crying
while he did the forting? “It’s all still true; though。 Thanks for saying it out loud。”
“Do I get points for making you cry?”
“Sure; Jake。” I tried to smile。 “As many as you want。”
“Don’t worry; Bella; honey。 It’s all going to work out。”
“I don’t see how;” I muttered。
He patted the top of my head。 “I’m going to give in and be good。”
“More games?” I wondered; tilting my chin so that I could see his face。
“Maybe。” He laughed with a bit of effort; and then winced。 “But I’m going to try。”
I frowned。
“Don’t be so pessimistic;” he plained。 “Give me a little credit。”
“What do you mean by ‘be good’?”
“I’ll be your friend; Bella;” he said quietly。 “I won’t ask for more than that。”
“I think it’s too late for that; Jake。 How can we be friends; when we love each other like this?”
He looked at the ceiling; his stare intent; as if he were reading something that was written there。 “Maybe 。 。
。 it will have to be a longdistance friendship。”
I clenched my teeth together; glad he wasn’t looking at my face; fighting against the sobs that threatened to
overtake me again。 I needed to be strong; and I had no idea how。 。 。 。
“You know that story in the Bible?” Jacob asked suddenly; still reading the blank ceiling。 “The one with
the king and the two women fighting over the baby?”
“Sure。 King Solomon。”
“That’s right。 King Solomon;” he repeated。 “And he said; cut the kid in half 。 。 。 but it was only a test。 Just
to see who would give up their share to protect it。”
“Yeah; I remember。”
He looked back at my face。 “I’m not going to cut you in half anymore; Bella。”
I understood what he was saying。 He was telling me that he loved me the most; that his surrender proved
it。 I wanted to defend Edward; to tell Jacob how Edward would do the same thing if I wanted; if I would let
him。 I was the one who wouldn’t renounce my claim there。 But there was no point in starting an argument that
would only hurt him more。
I closed my eyes; willing myself to control the pain。 I couldn’t impose that on him。
We were quiet for a moment。 He seemed to be waiting for me to say something; I was trying to think of
something to say。
“Can I tell you what the worst part is?” he asked hesitantly when I said nothing。 “Do you mind? I am
going to be good。”
“Will it help?” I whispered。
“It might。 It couldn’t hurt。”
“What’s the worst part; then?”
“The worse part is knowing what would have been。”
“What might have been。” I sighed。
“No。” Jacob shook his head。 “I’m exactly right for you; Bella。 It would have been effortless for us —
fortable; easy as breathing。 I was the natural path your life would have taken。 。 。 。” He stared into space
for a moment; and I waited。 “If the world was the way it was supposed to be; if there were no monsters and
no magic 。 。 。”
I could see what he saw; and I knew that he was right。 If the world was the sane place it was supposed to
be; Jacob and I would have been together。 And we would have been happy。 He was my soul mate in that
world — would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not been overshadowed by something stronger;
something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world。
Was it out there for Jacob; too? Something that would trump a soul mate? I had to believe that it was。
Two futures; two soul mates 。 。 。 too much for any one person。 And so unfair that I wouldn’t be the only
one to pay for it。 Jacob’s pain seemed too high a price。 Cringing at the thought of that price; I wondered if I
would have wavered; if I hadn’t lost Edward once。 If I didn’t know what it was like to live without him。 I
wasn’t sure。 That knowledge was so deep a part of me; I couldn’t imagine how I would feel without it。
“He’s like a drug for you; Bella。” His voice was still gentle; not at all critical。 “I see that you can’t live
without him now。 It’s too late。 But I would have been healthier for you。 Not a drug; I would have been the air;
the sun。”
The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful halfsmile。 “I used to think of you that way; you know。 Like
the sun。 My personal sun。 You balanced out the clouds nicely for me。”
He sighed。 “The clouds I can handle。 But I can’t fight with an eclipse。”
I touched his face; laying my hand against his cheek。 He exhaled at my touch and closed his eyes。 It was
very quiet。 For a minute I could hear the beating of his heart; slow and even。
“Tell me the worst part for you;” he whispered。
“I think that might be a bad idea。”
“Please。”
“I think it will hurt。”
“Please。”
How could I deny him anything at this point?
“The worst part 。 。 。” I hesitated; and then let words spill out in a flood of truth。 “The worst part is that I
saw the whole thing — our whole life。 And I want it bad; Jake; I want it all。 I want to stay right here and never
move。 I want to love you and make you happy。 And I can’t; and it’s killing me。 It’s like Sam and Emily; Jake
— I never had a choice。 I always knew nothing would change。 Maybe that’s why I was fighting against you so
hard。”
He seemed to be concentrating on breathing evenly。
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you that。”
He shook his head slowly。 “